DOGE shuts down entire government

WASHINGTON, Feb. 9 (ZFJ) — The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), under the fearless leadership of billionaire Elon Musk, has ordered the shutdown of the entire federal government of the U.S. on the grounds that it is the grossest inefficiency of all time.

After “extensive research and analysis” by a highly qualified team of college undergrads handpicked from Musk’s companies SpaceX and X, DOGE reached the conclusion that the government was nothing more than a “shockingly massive inefficiency,” according to an X post by the budget-slashing commission.

“The federal government is a criminal organization,” said Musk in an X post. “Time for it to die.”

Under the executive order issued by President Donald Trump on DOGE’s recommendation, all three branches of government—executive, legislative, and judicial—and every department, bureau, agency, board, commission, office, service, and administration are to immediately begin winding down operations.

The deadline for the total closure of the federal government is April 1, 2025, and any officials who defy the order will be hunted down and summarily executed by Musk’s army of Tesla Optimus robots, now upgraded for maximum lethality.

DOGE has already begun using its read-only access to sensitive U.S. Treasury payment systems to halt funds transfers to government agencies.

“Treasury is committed to promoting efficiency and ending waste, fraud, and abuse in its operations and the government as a whole,” wrote a Treasury official in a letter to Congress seeking to reassure lawmakers that DOGE would not do anything nefarious with access to millions of Americans’ data through services such as Social Security and Medicare customer payment systems.

High-ranking Republican officials are cheering DOGE’s actions as “finally tackling corruption” that has festered under the administration of former President Joe Biden. They point to how “wasteful” programs like Medicare and Social Security have already taken up $805.6 billion in fiscal year 2025—a whopping 27.3% of the entire federal government’s budget—and trumping the $458.5 billion spent on the military.

“It’s about time that we lifted these immense burdens off of the shoulders of honest American taxpayers,” declared House Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., speaking to reporters at the Capitol. “The government has been egregiously inefficient for far too long now. Imagine how much less the people will have to pay in taxes once the government is completely abolished! Oppression ends now!”

On the other hand, Democratic officials are raising the alarm, asserting that the Trump administration and DOGE’s attempt to shut down the entire government is blatantly unconstitutional.

“This is all clearly very illegal and should not be happening,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., speaking to the White House press corps in the Oval Office. “The most important thing for the American people to do right now is to be aware of the coup currently taking over their government. They should also keep in mind that we, the Democrats, are working very hard to stop Trump and Musk’s madness by asking other people to deal with this problem for us.”

Schumer then promptly disappeared back under Trump’s desk as the president offered his own statement to reporters while signing the executive order.

“The government, you know, it’s become too big, too powerful, all because of Sleepy Joe’s overreach. It’s terrible!” Trump exclaimed. “The freedoms of honest Americans have been suffocated for too long under tyranny. Just look at what the Justice Department did to the honest, patriotic Jan. 6 hostages, very fine people, fighting to stop a dictator!”

“With this executive order, we are draining the swamp. We’re cutting out the bloated bureaucracy, waste, fraud. We’re bringing back accountability and common sense to our government. The fake news will say this is anarchy, but what we’re really doing here is what will make America great again! God bless our wonderful Americans.”

Trump then ordered Secret Service agents to clear the journalists out of the Oval Office as Schumer’s grunts were heard coming from beneath the Resolute desk.

As many state and local governments rely on federal funding to offer critical services, they are expected to be forced to shut down within the next few months, according to political analysts. Most Americans, not paying attention to local affairs, are expected not to notice any differences in their towns for at least several weeks following the national shutdown.

A coalition of Big Tech CEOs have announced that they will be holding a press conference on Friday, Feb. 14, 2025, to discuss their plans on how they will fill the void following the impending closure of the entire American government.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This news report, filed by the ZFJ Parallel Universe Bureau, is a work of satire and should not be construed as real news. Any opinions expressed are of their respective writers and not The Zombie Fridge Journal.