Boba shops are optimal for first dates

Civil discourse is critical for every democracy, and with Valentine’s Day tomorrow (today? I’m writing this at two hours past midnight), it’s about time we discussed an issue that really matters to society: the optimal location for a first date.

I have the answer. After extensive research and analysis consisting of musing in the cool wind while gazing at the full moon as well as the documented results of two practical tests by me and my associates, I have concluded that bubble tea shops are perfect for first dates.

Think about it. Boba is a universally beloved beverage. Not everyone likes coffee (although I will say that a mug of black coffee gets this reporter through every weekday), but bubble tea shops have extremely versatile menus, so it’s guaranteed that there will be an option for everyone. For the indecisive or choice-paralyzed, there are also order presets.

There is literally no bad choice when it comes to boba.

Boba shops are also chill places to hang out. I can talk with my friends for an entire afternoon over bubble tea. It just makes sense, liquid sugar and conversations. It’s not like going to a movie theater, where you’re not supposed to be talking during the film. The boba shop arrangement is perfect for getting to know someone better, fulfilling the primary objective of a first date.

Furthermore, boba places you in a win-win situation regardless of the outcome of the first date. If things go well, you have sugar! If things don’t go as well… well, you have sugar. While one outcome is certainly preferable over the other, the worst case scenario is still pretty good for a tragedy of unparalleled proportions.

So, yeah. Someone’s the apple of your eye? Take the shot, no hesitation. I’m half economics major and my cost-benefit analysis says you should go for it. After all, none of us have the time to live with any regrets. Good luck!

Stuck single? That’s okay. Someone’ll come around soon enough. Shouldn’t rush it. Celebrate your freedom! Maybe even get some boba. I know what I’ll be doing today.

Think this opinion piece is a buffoon’s baloney balderdash? Write your own op-ed and send in your superior first date choice to alvin.wu@zfjnews.com for publication!

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article is an opinion piece filed by the ZFJ Opinion Desk. Any opinions expressed are of their respective writers and not The Zombie Fridge Journal.